My Personal Search

Author's Note:  To be honest, I gave up the search for the One Special Man long ago.  At least, I've stopped actively looking. I've always believed that somewhere, there was one man out there, one True Love, just for me.  And I believed that I'd find him one day, too.  Years and years have gone by, however, and I'm still alone.  Yes, I still believe HE is out there somewhere... it's whether or not I'll ever find him that I've at last begun to question.  I've walked alone for many years while I waited to find love.  And now... well, I'm tired.  Tired of searching, of hoping, and never finding what I seek.  I just... can't... do it anymore.  Sometimes I think maybe it's just not meant to be; maybe I'm supposed to live out this lifetime alone, for whatever reason.  Man, I really, really hate that thought.  There's still one tiny little spark of hope deep inside me that refuses to go out.   Maybe it's the romance writer in me, that I can't stop believing in a Happy Ending, even for me.  And that's why I've left this page up here on my website... so that if You are out there, looking for me, You can find me.

Who am I?  What am I looking for?
Who am I looking for?  Why am I looking here?
Why am I asking you?!

The Nitty-Gritty... 

Yep, you can read all the looong stuff I've compiled below, but here's a quick recap in a nutshell.  I want someone to love, and who loves me.  Don't we all!  I want even more than that; I'm greedy.  I want someone who loves me as much as I love him, a guy who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  He loves me enough to put up with my foibles and my artistic temperament (yep, I got one!), and even more, he's secure enough to accept all the love and spontaneous affection that I have to give him in return.  He's not looking for a mommy, nor for someone to dominate.  I want a guy who can go toe-to-toe with me in a pitched battle over who's going to do the dishes that day, then take me in his arms and kiss the socks off me :)  Passion?  You bet... 150%!  We'll still be holding hands in our matching wheelchairs in some damned nursing home when we're 90 years old.  

Anyway, for the .2% of you men reading this who are still interested <laugh> ....read on!

Who am I? 

Getting the basics out of the way:   I am 45, and live (for now) in the wild West, in the embrace of the Rockies :)  I am a single mom with one 15-year-old daughter.  I've been divorced for 15 years and am *very* tired of being lonely!  I'd rather be that, though, than unhappy with the wrong person... so I'm willing to wait (and wait... and wait... and wait... <sigh>) until I do find that One Man who was meant just for me, and I for him.

I do feel that the Internet offers unlimited opportunity for meeting people, making friends, learning, sharing..... yes, it offers more opportunity for people to present themselves falsely, but I think we hear far too much about that in the media, and that there are more good, *real* people on the Net than the alarmists will ever admit.

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Why am I looking here?

Why am I looking here, when you are there?  Well, I work at home on the computer, and technology allows me to receive and send my work via the Internet.  So theoretically I can live anywhere I can get unlimited Internet access.... Russia, Tibet, Aleutian Islands, Dublin, that sort of thing.   I'd prefer however to stay (for now) in the United States <g>  Hawaii is out of the picture because of their nasty quarantine on cats.  Darn it :(  Besides, I have this kind of allergy to spending 75% of my income on rent, you know?

What do you want to know about me?   I've written some 30-odd webpages that will tell you almost anything you want to know <grin>.  If you want to start with The Real Me, go to At Home with .  If you just want to start at the beginning and wander around, go to ShemahOnline and take it from there.

What am I looking for?

Now the really hard stuff.... what am I looking for???  Good question <grin>  What I'm going to do is sort of compile here the various personals ads I've had on various Personals sites over the years, and let you get the overall picture.  But I will be up-front with you.... if you are fairly conservative, or a born-again, or a true redneck type, you might just want to move on to someone else's site, because you are *not* going to like who I am, and what I   believe in.  And probably vice versa.

So here we go.... 

Who am I looking for?

If you want a nice, lukewarm, comfortable relationship, then don't read further.... I'm not who you're looking for. Somewhere out there has to be a man who wants it ALL.... love, passion, friendship, affection, humor, sensuality, touching, caring.... I have all that and more. I want someone who will be as glad to see me when he comes home as I am to see him. One who is not afraid to accept all that I have to give, nor to return it. One who WANTS all I have to give! No separate recliners.... let's sit hip-to-hip on the sofa. It feels right to you to have your arm around me. Laying in bed talking at the end of the day, touching, sometimes just holding each other. Being there for each other. Intensely wild and passionate, softly intimate and gentle at other times. Sometimes I'm the port in the storm... other times I'm the hurricane!  It's a package deal; I'm large, loving, beautifully pagan, loyal, passionate, humorous, intelligent.... You have to want it ALL!  'cause that's what you're getting, LOL!

What'd be really great would be an isolated mountain cabin or distant ranch, far from what they call civilization. I have lived such a life for a short time, and would love to be there again.  I just don't want to do it alone; would love to have someone to snuggle up to on those cold winter nights, someone to toss snowballs at, someone will laugh back at me, play with me, love me, someone whose idea of "togetherness" does not include his-n-hers recliners or twin beds. Who would rather have a pickup than a Mercedes. Who'd rather sit and watch the hawks soar from their cliff nest than watch Married With Children reruns. A woodstove is better than a furnace... although radiant heat is awesome :) Someone to stand beside you, someone you can count on to be there for you.  Mind you, this lifestyle is a liking I have, not a requirement.  I can be happy almost anywhere with the right person (except the Far East... don't think I'd like that at all).  I can even be happy in the City.... so long as there are bookstores near and an RWA chapter! :)

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Sailing on a felucca in near Aswan, 1983

 

Here's my favorite Yahoo! personals ad:

Looking for Mr. Tall, Dark and Older! Well... WHERE ARE YOU ALREADY? I've never been good at this waiting thing, you know, and it seems like I've been waiting for you a long time :( I've got about 30 webpages, my own domain, 3 websites and have bios all over the place, just to help you find me. So get with it! Geez.  I know, I could settle for less. But I can't because I know you are somewhere out there! I dream of you at night, you know. I feel your arms, holding me close. Sometimes I can almost see your face, and want to reach out to trace your beloved features, to cup your cheek with my hand and feel you press your lips into my palm. I want to feel your fingers, strong and warm, clasp mine across the table at a restaurant. I want to burn up with the leaping, flaring passion between us that is always there, never far from the surface. I want to meet your eyes across the room and know your thoughts, as you know mine. We can have it all. So write to me, NOW!

(no, you don't have to be tall, OR dark, LOL!  But doesn't it sound catchy as a subject line?  I would rather meet someone older, tho)

Another ad:

Seeking That Special Man.... passionate, loving, caring and sharing, laughing together, sitting out on the porch under the full moon, wood stove in winter. I'm unconventional, fun, cheerful, spontaneous and have a loving nature. ..but, ya gotta have a sense of humor! I am FOR the buffalo, the wolves, and the Native Americans. I am against white supremists, bigots, liars, and men who cheat on their wives. I'm gloriously nonreligious  but have nothing against Christians so long as they allow me the same freedom of religion that they enjoy. I have a college education and have lived overseas, and I do medical transcription on my computer at home. I'm really into writing webpages! I love most domestic animals and horses are a special love, but it's been years since I've lived where I could have my own. I'm a city girl by upbringing, but the wilderness speaks to my soul! I'm looooved Montana, for instance... and I can live anywhere with electricity and phone due to my fantastic job :) Don't forget to check out my WEBSITE! Write to tell me about you, and you'll learn more about me, let's see if we click....

Here's my profile from another personals site; I always did love essay questions:

Ideal relationship/type of person you seek.
I am looking first for the Passion, that special spark. Maybe an odd first requirement, but think about it... so many things in a relationship can be variable, can be compromised on, but passion... well, either it's there or it's not! There also has to be a bond of mutual affection, HONESTY, trust, liking, loyalty, friendship, humor.

What do you find sexy in a mate?
Long hair. Note that this is not a *requirement*, that's just what I find sexy (that was the question, right?).  Well, one of the things I find sexy <g> Other than that, "sexy" is a function of the mind and there's nothing like a meeting of the minds... that incendiary look across a crowded room!  For me, I think I'd have to add self-confidence, the way a man carries himself.  Being female, it's not so much appearance as it is personality/character that turns my head and makes me think, "Wow!!!!"

c-andme2.jpg (16125 bytes)Describe your personality, physique?
My physique is fashioned on the large side and I love me! My personality is bubbly and cheerful, upbeat and optimistic--except when I'm not.  Most people don't look below the bright smile and cheery voice to find that there is a volcano simmering deep below the surface, that I feel quite *passionately* about things, that there is another side to me entirely that they never dreamed of.  

What is a perfect first date (place)?
Ain't no such thing! That said... I think going to do something or go someplace of interest to both people, so that you are *doing* something, not sitting looking across a table at each other trying not to feel awkward. ummm... Disneyland, perhaps?  (don't let this fool you; I wasn't being snide, I simply adore Disneyland!)

First things people notice about you?
My eyes, which are gorgeous (hey, you asked, right?). Also the bright, cheery smile (see above).  My "presence".

What are your short/long term goals?
SHORT TERM: To get ahead financially... WAY ahead, in order to achieve the long-term goals. 
LONG TERM: To spend 2-3 months living in Egypt on vacation. A 10-day cruise in the Caribbean.   To have my romance novels published, which would naturally provide for the first two goals!  Actually, those aren't really goals, as much as they are what-I'd-do-if-I-won-the-Lottery, are they?  hmmm... okay.  the Long Term goal is to get my romance novels published, and to continue writing and to keep getting them published.  

What type of work do you do (enjoy it)?
I am a medical transcriptionist, independent contractor to a medical center in Los Angeles. I do my work over the telephone and modem the reports back. I very much enjoy it, and I am VERY good at what I do!  I also do review and editing work for a publisher of medical books, and am on their editorial advisory boards for oncology and cardiology. 

Favorite music, books, movies, art, etc?
MUSIC: Greek (esp. Yiannis Parios), Arabic, Celtic, Enya, "light" rock/pop. BOOKS: Anne McCaffrey, Ann Rice, Tolkien, Louis L'Amour, Paul Gallico. MOVIES: Blazing Saddles, Ghost, Sister Act, Independence Day, anything Disney! ART: El Greco, Lawrence, Susan Seddon Boulet. TV: I don't watch much TV, I have serious "issues" on what is considered appropriate to play on public television and it's contribution to the deterioration of our society, and I don't see spending every waking hour in front of the television as being healthy, and I would prefer not to be a TV "widow" (again).  Which isn't to say that I don't like to watch a good movie now and again.  And I'll even watch the Stupor (ooops, Super!) Bowl <grin> just because the commercials are SUCH a blast! :)  

Any pets, hobbies, special interests/talents?
I am a romance writer; not yet published, but have hopes :)  I have five cats (3 are Maine Coons). I don't have a dog because I just haven't found the right one.... the only dogs I like are ***WELL-TRAINED*** ones. I have known some wolves, and I think that I would like one day to have one, understanding that they are not dogs, and I think that we would get along fine once an understanding had been reached about my  cats (they are NOT dinner on the paw).  

Where born, heritage, places lived?
I was born in St. Louis, of Irish/Scottish descent with some English thrown in. I've lived all over the continental U.S. I haven't been to Hawaii because of the year-long quarantine for cats, or to Alaska because of the phone tolls (my work is on the phone). I've lived in Cairo, Egypt for a year as an exchange student, and in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia for a year as a transcriptionist, and wound up being there (inadvertently) throughout Desert Storm.

Where did you go to school, subjects?
I went to the University of California Santa Barbara, and spent a year on the Education Abroad (exchange) Program at the American University in Cairo, Egypt. I studied history (emphasis on the Middle East and pre-Tudor England/Scotland), and of course Arabic.

Some of your favorite quotes?

  • "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." (also the variation ending: "try reading the instructions")
  • "If of thy mortal goods thou art bereft and of thy slender store two loaves alone to thee are left; sell one, and with the dole buy hyacinths to feed the soul." 
  • "I don't have a problem with Jesus, it's his fan club that bothers me."

What is your main strength, weakness?
STRENGTH: CARING. WEAKNESS: CARING too much.

What would you do if you won a mega lottery?
First I'd set up a trust fund for my daughter's college. With the rest I would buy up all the available land I could around Yellowstone, and designate it as "Buffalo Safe", and the DOL goons & bountyhunters would be shot on site. I'd launch a massive Public Relations campaign to educate people on the myth of brucellosis, and fund other buffalo protection projects. I'd fund immersion schools to revive and continue some of the Native American languages that are in danger of being lost.  I'd sign up for the Intensive Arabic Language program at the American University in Cairo and spend the next few years immersing myself in Arabic studies, language and culture.  I'd go spend a year in Jamaica researching and writing the 18th-century historical novel that I want to write there!  Last but not least, I'd buy a stateroom on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship, and spend LOTS of time on cruises, doing what I want to do the most:  Write Novels!

 

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So it's a silly place to take a picture.  So sue me :)

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